In March of 2008 I got divorced. An event I never thought would happen in my life. I felt my life was torn in a way that was unrepairable. I had anxiety attacks, and thought that it would be impossible for me to ever get married again. I had a great fear of men, after having been betrayed so deeply. I began to question all the men in my life, thinking that they all had something to hide. They all must have had a secret.
At that time I knew that it was important for my son to have a family and the completeness and healthiness that comes with it. I decided to pray. I prayed that the Lord would help me to find someone and to heal to the degree that I would be able to have a healthy relationship. I asked the Lord to help me find someone within a year. This was a hard thing for me to pray for. I was not interested in marriage and could not imagine wanting this for myself. My son needed a father, and I wanted to believe that happiness could be had. This was my prayer for this for my son's sake.
As the year has gone by I have found myself healing considerably. Counseling has helped a great deal. In July I went on my first date from being divorced. I wasn't interested in the boy, he was more or less just a friend, but I enjoyed myself. I have gone in and out of periods of depression, but finally I felt able to go out and get a job for myself. I started that job in August, and had to leave my son everyday. This was very hard for me. 40 hours a week away from my son was not enjoyable. I felt guilty and depressed for this. I tried to stay active in the singles ward throughout the summer. It was not fun, and at times it felt as though I would never fit in in that lifestyle. I continued to go feeling prompted that I had an obligation to my son.
In August I started enjoying myself more, and was able to go on a few more group dates. A few weeks later I met Kyle. He was a recent convert to the church and had a glowing spirit about him. I enjoyed talking with him and immediately felt a connection to him.
The thought of committing to anyone was not a pleasant thought in my mind but I did enjoy becoming friends. Kyle and I went on several dates and he was so much fun. I immediately felt as though I already knew him, and loved him. These feelings were confusing to me and I didn't understand them.
As our relationship blossomed I found myself healing more and more. Kyle loved everything about me that I thought was undesirable. He brought kindness, compassion, love and friendship into my life. I felt as if he really felt love for me to. We never told each other of this love at that time. It had only been a few weeks, but when he looked at me, I knew he was thinking it.
Over the last few months I have grown and changed in so many ways. I have gained a trust back for men, which I thought would be impossible. With all of this change, there was still one problem. I was still afraid of committing to marriage. I avoided this subject in my prayers, and was afraid to ask if it was right that I was dating Kyle.
After a while Kyle received an answer in prayer, and I began to worry. I decided it was time for me to pray about Kyle. At first I prayed if it was right for me to date him, and asked the Lord not to tell me about the whole marriage thing. Then I prayed that if it was right for us to get married that I would know when I was ready to know. And finally still feeling slightly uncomfortable I prayed that the Lord would take away my pain and I would be able to see. I prayed if Kyle was the right person for me to marry. I knew I wanted it, I just couldn't want it completely because of my fears of being stuck to one person.
One evening after having felt such beautiful peace regarding the matter I felt impressed to talk with my brother about my feelings. My brother Daniel had just returned from serving a mission and was himself very full of the spirit. I told him how wonderful I felt about Kyle, but that it was important to me to have a very large sign. That night I received my neon sign as I talked with my brother the spirit over whelmed us. My fears were taken away and I no longer felt anxiety or pain. I had pain in my life, but it was not paralyzing any more. It was manageable.
I knew I could marry Kyle. I felt that it was the right decision and I was excited. I told Kyle of my feelings and on December 13th, he asked me to marry him. Kyle is the most amazing blessing I ever could have asked for. Everything I need in an eternal companion he is. I know that it was through the atonement of our Savior that my pain was lifted and my fears were taken away. I am able to feel joy and happiness again!
We have to work out some details but we hope to be married in April. A few months after that Kyle will be able to adopt my son and we will have him sealed to us as soon as will allow. Happiness is wonderful and I am excited to be starting my new life!
At that time I knew that it was important for my son to have a family and the completeness and healthiness that comes with it. I decided to pray. I prayed that the Lord would help me to find someone and to heal to the degree that I would be able to have a healthy relationship. I asked the Lord to help me find someone within a year. This was a hard thing for me to pray for. I was not interested in marriage and could not imagine wanting this for myself. My son needed a father, and I wanted to believe that happiness could be had. This was my prayer for this for my son's sake.
As the year has gone by I have found myself healing considerably. Counseling has helped a great deal. In July I went on my first date from being divorced. I wasn't interested in the boy, he was more or less just a friend, but I enjoyed myself. I have gone in and out of periods of depression, but finally I felt able to go out and get a job for myself. I started that job in August, and had to leave my son everyday. This was very hard for me. 40 hours a week away from my son was not enjoyable. I felt guilty and depressed for this. I tried to stay active in the singles ward throughout the summer. It was not fun, and at times it felt as though I would never fit in in that lifestyle. I continued to go feeling prompted that I had an obligation to my son.
In August I started enjoying myself more, and was able to go on a few more group dates. A few weeks later I met Kyle. He was a recent convert to the church and had a glowing spirit about him. I enjoyed talking with him and immediately felt a connection to him.
The thought of committing to anyone was not a pleasant thought in my mind but I did enjoy becoming friends. Kyle and I went on several dates and he was so much fun. I immediately felt as though I already knew him, and loved him. These feelings were confusing to me and I didn't understand them.
As our relationship blossomed I found myself healing more and more. Kyle loved everything about me that I thought was undesirable. He brought kindness, compassion, love and friendship into my life. I felt as if he really felt love for me to. We never told each other of this love at that time. It had only been a few weeks, but when he looked at me, I knew he was thinking it.
Over the last few months I have grown and changed in so many ways. I have gained a trust back for men, which I thought would be impossible. With all of this change, there was still one problem. I was still afraid of committing to marriage. I avoided this subject in my prayers, and was afraid to ask if it was right that I was dating Kyle.
After a while Kyle received an answer in prayer, and I began to worry. I decided it was time for me to pray about Kyle. At first I prayed if it was right for me to date him, and asked the Lord not to tell me about the whole marriage thing. Then I prayed that if it was right for us to get married that I would know when I was ready to know. And finally still feeling slightly uncomfortable I prayed that the Lord would take away my pain and I would be able to see. I prayed if Kyle was the right person for me to marry. I knew I wanted it, I just couldn't want it completely because of my fears of being stuck to one person.
One evening after having felt such beautiful peace regarding the matter I felt impressed to talk with my brother about my feelings. My brother Daniel had just returned from serving a mission and was himself very full of the spirit. I told him how wonderful I felt about Kyle, but that it was important to me to have a very large sign. That night I received my neon sign as I talked with my brother the spirit over whelmed us. My fears were taken away and I no longer felt anxiety or pain. I had pain in my life, but it was not paralyzing any more. It was manageable.
I knew I could marry Kyle. I felt that it was the right decision and I was excited. I told Kyle of my feelings and on December 13th, he asked me to marry him. Kyle is the most amazing blessing I ever could have asked for. Everything I need in an eternal companion he is. I know that it was through the atonement of our Savior that my pain was lifted and my fears were taken away. I am able to feel joy and happiness again!
We have to work out some details but we hope to be married in April. A few months after that Kyle will be able to adopt my son and we will have him sealed to us as soon as will allow. Happiness is wonderful and I am excited to be starting my new life!
